


How Could I Ever Know?

by SteveLovesBucky



Category: Downton Abbey, The Secret Garden - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Death in Childbirth, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Family, Father-Daughter Relationship, Fatherly Love, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Literature, Love, Lovey Dovey, Men Crying, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Motherly love, New Family, Newborn Children, One True Pairing, Parent-Child Relationship, Parental Love, Romance, Songfic, Supernatural Elements, Sybil is an Angel, True Love, Widowed, fan fiction, heartbroken
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-18
Updated: 2016-10-18
Packaged: 2018-08-23 12:01:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8327074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveLovesBucky/pseuds/SteveLovesBucky
Summary: This song "How Could I Ever Know" from the musical The Secret Garden could not fit Tom and Sybil better; Lily returns as a spirit, urging her grieving Archibald to remember her as she was and to take care of their son, their Collin. Sybil's spirit likewise returns to comfort Tom and reassure him that he can take care of Sybbie.





	

**Author's Note:**

> These characters are not mine.
> 
> After season 3 of _Downton Abbey_ , I had to stop watching it. Sybil and Matthew were perhaps the two most sensible people in the Crawley family. I still can't watch the episode where Sybil dies from childbirth...! I still see her convulsing dreadfully and Tom desperately trying to save her and then his heartbroken expression when only their newborn daughter answers him...! Sybil, she was the heart of the show...!
> 
> I much prefer to see Sybil survive childbirth and she and Tom live happily ever after with their growing brood… but this song from the musical The Secret Garden could not fit Tom and Sybil better.
> 
> A recording of the song: https://youtu.be/JryHMQCLB3Y

Tom gazed numbly at his newborn daughter. A nightmare had come to pass: Sybil was dead from childbirth complications.

All those years that he’s waited, hoped that she would return his feelings, and they were finally able to marry, despite His Lordship’s disapproval. The woman that he’d loved since they’d first discussed politics with each other, whom had been his wife for barely two years, was gone. Their new daughter was all that was left of Sybil.

As much as he loved this little girl, he could still see her mother’s face. He would forever remember that those horrible last moments that her mother was alive. And the sound of their daughter crying just moments after Sybil’s last breath…! Tears stung his eyes and he tried to keep his face from contorting as sobs fought to escape his throat. 

What would he do, now? How could a widowed father support a newborn? He knew that it would be practical to remarry, but his heart was thoroughly shattered and the idea made him nauseous with grief. He knew that Sybil was the love of his life.

 _“Oh Tom, darling…!”_ Sybil gasped as she watched her husband holding their baby girl, protecting her with every fibre of his being. This wasn’t supposed to happen. She was supposed to be alive and rejoicing this new arrival with Tom. Instead she was watching them as a spirit.

_How could I know I would have to leave you?_  
_How could I know I would hurt you so?_  
_You were the one I was born to love!_  
_Oh, how could I ever know?_  
_How could I ever know?_

Tom glanced over his shoulder, startled.  
“Is someone there?”  
Tom thought that he’d heard Sybil’s voice, even if it was somewhat disembodied. Was he going mad with everything that had happened in these past few days?

“Yes, Tom, I’m here! Please hear me-!” Sybil practically yelled, desperate to make her presence known to her grieving husband.  
It hurt more than she ever thought that it would, that she was so close to a long, happy life with Tom and their little ones. She’d been so eager to bond with her daughter. They hadn’t even decided on a name. Now that future had been torn from her.

“Who’s there…?” Tom wondered aloud, suspicious but without feeling threatened. There was definitely somebody else in the otherwise empty room with him and the baby.

“Tom, it’s Sybil! I’m here,” Sybil tried to make herself heard and seen, beginning to feel desperate that Tom did not recognize that she was standing before him.

 _“…Sybil?”_ Tom thought that he’d heard a voice, faint but distinct. He thought that he recognized it.  
“Sybil, is that you? –I must be going mad, if I’m hearing things…!”

“Tom, it’s Sybil! I’m here, please believe me!”

Tom went pale and almost lost his grip on his daughter. He _**had**_ heard a voice, stronger this time. He recognized it, now.

Sybil dove for their daughter as Tom ‘s arms faltered. To her relief, the baby landed in her arms.

Tom, awestruck at his daughter half-floating, half in his arms, could barely form a word.

_“Sybil…?!”_

“Yes, Tom, yes. I’m here!” Sybil’s voice sounded loud and clear and was right in front of him.

Tom gaped in disbelief as a luminous form appeared around his daughter, a warm, bright light that took human shape. While the figure was transparent, he recognized her immediately.

Sybil wore a pure-white robe that seemed to glow, but it could not have matched the glow on her face as she gazed down at the baby girl that she had only been able to hold once in life. “She’s so beautiful, darling…!” Sybil crooned.

Raising her gaze to her grieving husband, Sybil’s smile faded as she saw Tom’s face tear-streaked and red. She knew that he was trying to keep himself from collapsing entirely.

“Tom, darling, I’m so sorry for this…!” Sybil reached out her hand to stroke her widower’s face, wanting so much to reassure him, “I never wanted any of this to happen!”

Her hand felt faint and ethereal on his cheek, but Tom definitely felt the contact. His reddened eyes brimmed again.

“I can’t bear to be without you, Sybil,” he sobbed, “How in the world can I do this?”

 

_How can I say to go on without me?_  
_How, when I know you still need me so?_  
_How can I say not to dream about me?_  
_How could I ever know?_  
_How could I ever know?_

“I only wish that you could forgive me for this,” Sybil sighed as she returned her arm to support the baby that she held, “For leaving you in this state.”

“My love, there’s nothing to forgive,” Tom murmured, “It’s just that… I know that it’s senseless to wish that it hadn’t happened when it’s too late to change anything, but I wish…!”

“I know…!” Sybil rested her brow against his.

Tom’s voice trembled, “All that I can think of now is everything that you’ll miss.”

“Shhh…” Sybil shifted their daughter in her arms and raised her face to kiss Tom’s cheek, “I’m here now, darling.”

The caress felt as faint as the touch of her hand, but Tom felt some sense of comfort. 

Two years, just two years that they’d been married and it felt to them like a romance novel, a fairy tale that they would live out. Holding each other through the nights, the rosy dreams of awakening to each other and to the smiling faces of many sweet children… dreams and plans that would never come to pass, now.

“Oh, Sybil…!” Tears streaked Tom’s face as he clutched their baby as protectively as he could, “I’ve thought of giving your name to her, my love. Is it wrong that I want you to live on in some way…?”

“Tom, it’s perfectly fine,” Sybil reassured him, “I understand why you want to and I honestly think that it’s a fitting tribute.”

_Forgive me._  
_Can you forgive me_  
_And hold me in your heart,_  
_And find some new way to love me_  
_Now that we're apart?_  
_How could I know I would never hold you?_  
_Never again in this world, but oh,_  
_Sure as you breathe, I am there inside you,_  
_How could I ever know?_  
_How could I ever know?_

“She’s all that I have left of you, love of my heart,” Tom whimpered, the wound in his heart that would never fully heal was still raw, “I can’t give up on her, I know that I can’t, but how can I go every day knowing that you won’t be with me to watch her grow? All that we’ve ever dreamed of? That I’ve ever dreamed of…!”

“Shhh… for me, for all three of us, be there for our baby. Care for her, make sure that she’s happy and safe. Make sure that she’s loved. That you love her as much as you’ve loved me.”

_ARCHIBALD:_  
_How can I hope to go on without you?_  
_How can I know where you'd have me go?_  
_How can I bear not to dream about you?_  
_Oh, how can I let you go?_

_LILY:  
_How could I ever know?_ _

_ARCHIBALD:  
_All I need..._ _

_LILY:  
_Is there in the garden!_ _

_ARCHIBALD:  
_All I would ask..._ _

_LILY:_  
_Is care for the child of our love!  
_Come, go with me, safe I will keep you._ _

_ARCHIBALD:_  
_Where you would lead me,  
_There I would,_ _

_LILY:  
_There I would, there we would,_ _

Their final kiss was like a kind of closure. His heart still felt like it had been torn in half, but a sense of peace came over him as he saw Sybil’s form vanish, heard her whisper _”I love you”_ before Tom found that he and little Sybil were alone in the room again.

Gazing down at his little daughter, Tom felt a smile tug at the corners of his lips as he felt overwhelmed by a torrent of fatherly love for this little being in his arms.

“Sybil…,” Tom crooned to his daughter, “Whatever happens, I will always be by your side. You’ll know of the angel that your mother has become, of how much she loves you… I will dedicate the rest of my life to your happiness… I will protect and love you for the rest of my days…!”

_ARCHIBALD and LILY:_  
_There we will go._  
_Oh! How could I know?_  
_Tell me how could I know?_  
_Never to know you would ever leave me!_  
_How could we know?_

_How could I ever know…?_

_Fin_


End file.
